I am in a Relationship

After 4 months and a weird late night conversation, I took a step in my relationship that never used to be an issue in dating. I updated my Facebook relationship status to let 644 of my closest friends know that I'm dating this guy and he is amazing.

It's silly.
It's the digital equivalent of walking down the hall of your high school holding hands for the first time in public.
I realize this. I realize it is completely insignificant in my actual, real life relationship with this guy.

So, why did I decide to do it and why now?

My guy gave a wonderful sermon Sunday that touched on the pitfalls of keeping up with the Jones' via social media. There are studies that prove that by looking at all the wonderful things happening in our friends lives via their facebook feeds, we are more prone to jealousy and depression. It was thought provoking and the message seems counter to the decision I made. That's because there are two sides to every coin. I do not scroll through my feed and feel jealousy or increased depression at the positive things my friends share. I rejoice with them. I am truly happy for them. I like seeing when people enter new relationships, buy their first home or when their kid achieves a milestone. What gets me down is seeing the complaining on social media, all the negativity. I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else. I am so quick to complain, to point out what's wrong with my day instead of what is right.

Now rewind to the conversation about feelings on Facebook statuses. It wasn't really a big deal to either of us. When I brought it up, I didn't get a vehement "NO! I do not want anyone to know about you" reaction, which was a good thing. So, I was in no rush to change things. I'm confident in where I stand. I don't need validation from Facebook to know that he cares about me.

Fast forward to my Facebook feed this morning and I see this posting from Iyanla Vanzant:

Beloveds, don't forget today is NO WHINING WEDNESDAY!
The goal is no complaining about anyone or anything.
If you complain or whine, put a quarter in a jar. 

My brain starts churning again... no whining... OK, I think I can handle that. Life is good. My morning started off great, I was looking forward to a productive day. I was pretty sure that I could pull off a day of no whining. It didn't feel like enough. I wanted to do more than just not whine. I wanted to, at the risk of sounding COMPLETELY cheesy, make a joyful noise. I wanted to put positive energy where the negative used to be. I wanted to share the fact that I am happy with 644 people that may say well, things can't be all bad if that dork can find someone in this crazy messed up world. I wanted to put a little bit of hope out there in place of the whining.

I'm in a relationship. I'm happy. I have hope. I want to share that with everyone. As I stated on Facebook, I've been shouting this from the rooftops for months so why not shout it from the digital rooftops as well. I am a digital native, a social media aficionado. It's a fitting online tribute to my offline life.

I am not a Blogger

I have been trying for nearly a month to articulate all the thoughts racing around in my head.

I cannot seem to make a coherent sentence anymore.

I've been trying to figure out how a non-writer managed to contract writer's block. Here is the conclusion I have come to. My blog was me letting the world get to know me. I let a little bit of myself out in each post. It was very therapeutic for me and also humbling that even one person would care to learn more about me through what I chose to share.

Then a funny thing happened.

I found a real, live person to share these things with, someone to spend time with and talk to, someone who seems to enjoy getting to know the little things about me. The result is that I don't have to share them with all you nameless faces on the internet anymore.

Another side effect of this wonderful discovery is that, as I stated above, I cannot seem to make a coherent sentence anymore! I find myself trying to talk about topics of which I am normally knowledgeable and the words will not come. Since I am unable to express this on my own, perhaps Sarah Kay can explain it for me. I am by no stretch of the imagination a poet but the sentiment is similar.

I plan to enjoy this writer's block, this lover's day dream, this wonderfully beautiful distraction. If this blog suffers and falls by the wayside, so be it. It was never a source of profound writing and deep revelation anyway. It was a college course assignment that lasted much longer than the semester.

I much prefer being lost in thought over eyes that look at me as if every time seeing me is the first, a smile that brings light to my world I never thought possible, hands that make me feel safe and like I can slay dragons on my own all at the same time, the brilliant mind that challenges me on a daily basis. He is turning this cynic into a dreamer.

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me."

I am Disappointed

An evening that didn't go as I hoped leading to a day that looks nothing like it should...

You would think at my age I would not be so disappointed when things don't go the way I want them to. I still have this silly thing called hope. The world hasn't beaten it out of me and taken my rose colored glasses yet. I feel like that time gets closer and closer each day though.

One of my coworkers has a phrase he likes to use... Start as good as you can finish. He is jokingly referring to romantic encounters but it applies to so much more in life. When you start a new job, you are full of hope and enthusiasm for the possibilities it holds much as you are when you start a new relationship. It doesn't take long before the monotony of daily life starts to chip away at that enthusiasm, before you are just another rat in the race. 

I really thought my professional life, my career, would make a difference. My pie in the sky view of my life has me helping people live a better life. I can even see how working in IT has that potential. It is honestly why I have made the decision to work in the low paying realm of education instead of taking my skills corporate where I can make more money. I rationalized that, since I am not cut out to be a teacher, I can still assist in educating people and improving their lives by giving them the technical tools they need to succeed. The reality of it is that budgets and misogyny and general apathy on behalf of the clients make this a totally thankless and seemingly meaningless job. 

I joke so often that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's not a joke. It's true. I cannot keep doing what I am doing until I reach retirement. What is left of my light will burn out. Soon. I cannot help but feel like my time is running out on my professional biological clock. Am I at the point where I need to cope with having a job instead of a career? Do I resign myself to never reaching my full potential?

I feel like I have so much to offer and no clue where to start.

I am Unwell

I am a little under the weather. It's nothing major. I'm treating with some OTC/homeopathic remedies and hoping for the best. For now, I'm feeling sluggish and wishing someone would sing me soft kitty. But I know I will get better.

I am also comfortable in the knowledge that, if I don't start to improve, I can go to the closest doc in a box. I can be seen by a medical professional in a reasonable amount of time and walk out the door with prescriptions in hand. I can then go to any number of pharmacies around town and have those prescriptions filled with little out of pocket expense.

You see, I have this luxury called health insurance. A small slice of my salary each month goes towards the monthly premiums. I complain about the expense. It has steadily increased year after year. So far, it has not increased to the point that I have ever considered dropping the coverage. It's a nice security blanket to have for myself and for my son. But it is a luxury. It is not something that everyone has access to, either because they lack the full time employment to qualify or they do not make enough to pay the premiums even if they have a full time job.

I should not be writing this and referring to basic health care as a luxury item. Once upon a time, luxury items were fancy cars, large homes, diamonds. When did our personal well being and fresh vegetables join this list?

I will not pretend to be knowledgeable on the Affordable Care Act which promises to expand health care to so many Americans who are uninsured or underinsured. I know that I, personally, have already seen the benefits. I have one monthly prescription that I paid $75 a month out of pocket for years. I considered myself lucky when switched to a plan that covered this Rx with a copay of only $20. In January, I started to receive this drug at no out of pocket expense.

It frustrates me when friends and family have to use the ER as their doctor's office when they are sick. It also frustrates me to hear of people unable to have necessary prescriptions filled because they need to eat that week. Or put gas in their car to get to a job that doesn't provide all of their basic needs.

In worship last night, we were asked to put ourselves in the shoes of the characters in the story. Someone mentioned the Pharisees in this particular passage and a feeling of empathy for them. The reasoning given was that they had been told their whole lives if you work hard and play by the rules, these are the things that will happen for you. You will be rewarded with a happy and comfortable life, your basic needs will be met if you only follow along and do what you are told. Yet, others in the passage didn't follow the rules and were still blessed. I feel like the Pharisees today. So many people work hard, play by the rules and they never seem to achieve that American Dream we have all been promised. Instead, their employers cut their hours to avoid having to provide health care. Or they choose not to pay a living wage so that they can post record profits.

Something is wrong when the financial health of a company is more valuable than the physical health of the people keeping the company afloat.

I am the IT Guy

I got my first computer when I was in the first grade. It was a TI-99. My dad bought it at JC Penney in Ballou Park when they still had an electronics department and giant Sesame Street characters in the children's department. He bought it from a man who went on to open a well known computer business in town. They sold cartridges for it, similar to Atari games, but I never had any of those. I had books of code. Everything the computer did, I programmed it to do. I accomplished sophisticated tasks such as drawing ASCII cats or making the words BLAST OFF fly up the screen complete with sound effects.

From then on, computers were a part of my life and my education. I had more access to the computer labs in elementary school due to my involvement in the gifted program as well as technology focused education in the summer through the same program. I got my first desktop computer when I was about 14, a Tandy from Radio Shack with a COLOR dot matrix printer. I became a desktop publishing wizard. I made signs and fliers and cards and tee shirt transfers. I continued this trend in high school when I took a graphics class. On the weekends, my boyfriend, his brother and I built a computer. We would save up money, order parts and slowly assemble until we got the crowning glory... a modem. I was online. One of the first sites I found was the Internet Cello Society, of which I am still a member. At this point, I still was not considering tech as a career. I was focused on my music and, more importantly, no one told me it was even an option. My first semester in college, my roommate brought a computer and I paid for our internet service. Dial up. The college did not provide access at that time. My second year, they did. So, I befriended the IT work study and assisted in server maintenance and message board moderation. By then, I knew the music thing really wasn't going to work out. I had taken something I loved and beaten the life out of it until I didn't care if I ever played cello again.

I found myself back home and needing to take classes at the local community college. But, what? What did I like enough to make a career out of? Computers. I liked computers. I was better with them than most people I knew. Why not? So, I signed up for computer networking courses. I graduated and after a few month of working a job not in my field, I found one as a help desk analyst. I progressed through the ranks to assistant network analyst then network analyst. I installed, performed troubleshooting and repaired desktops, laptops, printers, servers and switches. I have managed Novell and Microsoft based networks. I have created and deployed group policies for network management. I devised ways to, instead of reactively battling spyware and viruses, to proactively defending against without restricting people from their day to day job functions. I was at the top of my game. I absolutely loved what I did.

Then someone told me that I couldn't do those things because I was a girl. My responsibilities started to change. More and more things were taken from my and given to people that I had trained to do those very same tasks. So, I made a change. New scenery, new chance to prove myself. AWESOME! Instead, I landed in an environment where the "senior tech" was intimidated by me. He took great pleasure in finding things that he knew that I did not. (For the record, one of the only things he ever found on me was that he had read Sherlock Holmes and I had not.) Lots of change took place in that situation, lots of turn over. New leadership came in to place and I was excited. This was my time to shine. This was my opportunity to get back to what I loved, tech work. At our first meeting, I was told that he had never had a woman work for him and he wasn't exactly sure what I did. From there, I was told I could help the only other woman in the department (data, not tech) plan parties. I've been reported for showing too much cleavage even though I am a very modest person, both personally and professionally. I've been shuffled off to work with the nursing program. I've been set aside to answer the phones because I have a nice personality. I've been relegated to putting the work the men are doing in to spreadsheets instead of actually helping with the work.

I am the IT guy. I am the one that knows how to fix your computer and keep things running so that you can do your job. But, I am not being allowed to do it and I am miserable. I am considering a career change because of it. I can no longer stand in the middle of meetings jumping up and down, raising my hand, yelling ME ME ME, I can do that, assign ME that project. To quote a friend, it's a "ridiculous misuse of assets!"

The feminist in me wants to stand and fight for any other woman that wants to go in to a non-traditional field. The human in me is tired of fighting the battle.

I am Fascinated by the Little Things

It was the tiniest piece of sea glass. Most people would not have exerted the effort to bend over and retrieve it. I'm not even sure how I spotted this tiny fragment. I do not find four leaf clovers and I have only found one fairy stone over my entire life in Southside Virginia.

Yet, there it was.

I found it in my first moment back on the shores of the East Coast since my life changed permanently and completely 2 years ago. 

24 hours later, sitting on the beach again, I opened a book on my Kindle that I did not recall ever starting. I was over 50% in and the paragraph I was on said this in regards to sea glass: "Glass is really temperamental. Just when you think you know what you're doing, you get another curveball. But, it's all worth it because every once in a while you create something that's so beautiful you don't even know where it came from."

I think these little signs, these little details, these little coincidences that most people choose to ignore tell us more about our lives and our paths than we know. I believe in their significance yet I do not seek them out. I deny their meaning more often than I pay attention. It seems lately, the more I try to ignore them or over-analyze or apply intellect and reason, the more things present themselves to me. They seem to be saying pay attention and enjoy this because you are finally on the right path.

There is still a lot that is not clear to me. There are a lot of things I need to work on. In the meantime, I will focus on and continue to be entranced with the little things in my life... The little messages from God, the little nudges from Mother Nature, the gentle "I told you so's" from a friend... Because little things amount to so much more when you are paying attention.

I am Cryptic

I want to blog about something I experienced.

It feels too personal to share.

It was amazing for me, something that has rarely happened in my life. It was spiritual and intimate and left me with an overwhelming sense of peace. I doubt that anyone in the room with me realized how deeply I was moved by the occasion. They have no idea that they are part of the reason it touched me the way it did. This is the first time I've been involved with a "church family" that actually felt like family. The things that were said in the humble chapel were real. Nothing was a smoke screen, nothing was done for appearances. All of my other religious experiences have been theatrical productions (or side shows, depending on your point of view.) To experience something authentic was amazing and humbling and awe inspiring. I felt closer to everyone in that room and withdrawn into myself, into a very personal space all at the same time.

Yes, this is vague. But now you know. Something happened. It was beautiful. And maybe, just maybe, it's one more step in the melting of a cynic's heart.

I'll leave you with a song:

"Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart"