You would think at my age I would not be so disappointed when things don't go the way I want them to. I still have this silly thing called hope. The world hasn't beaten it out of me and taken my rose colored glasses yet. I feel like that time gets closer and closer each day though.
One of my coworkers has a phrase he likes to use... Start as good as you can finish. He is jokingly referring to romantic encounters but it applies to so much more in life. When you start a new job, you are full of hope and enthusiasm for the possibilities it holds much as you are when you start a new relationship. It doesn't take long before the monotony of daily life starts to chip away at that enthusiasm, before you are just another rat in the race.
I really thought my professional life, my career, would make a difference. My pie in the sky view of my life has me helping people live a better life. I can even see how working in IT has that potential. It is honestly why I have made the decision to work in the low paying realm of education instead of taking my skills corporate where I can make more money. I rationalized that, since I am not cut out to be a teacher, I can still assist in educating people and improving their lives by giving them the technical tools they need to succeed. The reality of it is that budgets and misogyny and general apathy on behalf of the clients make this a totally thankless and seemingly meaningless job.
I joke so often that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's not a joke. It's true. I cannot keep doing what I am doing until I reach retirement. What is left of my light will burn out. Soon. I cannot help but feel like my time is running out on my professional biological clock. Am I at the point where I need to cope with having a job instead of a career? Do I resign myself to never reaching my full potential?
I feel like I have so much to offer and no clue where to start.
