I am in a Relationship

After 4 months and a weird late night conversation, I took a step in my relationship that never used to be an issue in dating. I updated my Facebook relationship status to let 644 of my closest friends know that I'm dating this guy and he is amazing.

It's silly.
It's the digital equivalent of walking down the hall of your high school holding hands for the first time in public.
I realize this. I realize it is completely insignificant in my actual, real life relationship with this guy.

So, why did I decide to do it and why now?

My guy gave a wonderful sermon Sunday that touched on the pitfalls of keeping up with the Jones' via social media. There are studies that prove that by looking at all the wonderful things happening in our friends lives via their facebook feeds, we are more prone to jealousy and depression. It was thought provoking and the message seems counter to the decision I made. That's because there are two sides to every coin. I do not scroll through my feed and feel jealousy or increased depression at the positive things my friends share. I rejoice with them. I am truly happy for them. I like seeing when people enter new relationships, buy their first home or when their kid achieves a milestone. What gets me down is seeing the complaining on social media, all the negativity. I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else. I am so quick to complain, to point out what's wrong with my day instead of what is right.

Now rewind to the conversation about feelings on Facebook statuses. It wasn't really a big deal to either of us. When I brought it up, I didn't get a vehement "NO! I do not want anyone to know about you" reaction, which was a good thing. So, I was in no rush to change things. I'm confident in where I stand. I don't need validation from Facebook to know that he cares about me.

Fast forward to my Facebook feed this morning and I see this posting from Iyanla Vanzant:

Beloveds, don't forget today is NO WHINING WEDNESDAY!
The goal is no complaining about anyone or anything.
If you complain or whine, put a quarter in a jar. 

My brain starts churning again... no whining... OK, I think I can handle that. Life is good. My morning started off great, I was looking forward to a productive day. I was pretty sure that I could pull off a day of no whining. It didn't feel like enough. I wanted to do more than just not whine. I wanted to, at the risk of sounding COMPLETELY cheesy, make a joyful noise. I wanted to put positive energy where the negative used to be. I wanted to share the fact that I am happy with 644 people that may say well, things can't be all bad if that dork can find someone in this crazy messed up world. I wanted to put a little bit of hope out there in place of the whining.

I'm in a relationship. I'm happy. I have hope. I want to share that with everyone. As I stated on Facebook, I've been shouting this from the rooftops for months so why not shout it from the digital rooftops as well. I am a digital native, a social media aficionado. It's a fitting online tribute to my offline life.

I am not a Blogger

I have been trying for nearly a month to articulate all the thoughts racing around in my head.

I cannot seem to make a coherent sentence anymore.

I've been trying to figure out how a non-writer managed to contract writer's block. Here is the conclusion I have come to. My blog was me letting the world get to know me. I let a little bit of myself out in each post. It was very therapeutic for me and also humbling that even one person would care to learn more about me through what I chose to share.

Then a funny thing happened.

I found a real, live person to share these things with, someone to spend time with and talk to, someone who seems to enjoy getting to know the little things about me. The result is that I don't have to share them with all you nameless faces on the internet anymore.

Another side effect of this wonderful discovery is that, as I stated above, I cannot seem to make a coherent sentence anymore! I find myself trying to talk about topics of which I am normally knowledgeable and the words will not come. Since I am unable to express this on my own, perhaps Sarah Kay can explain it for me. I am by no stretch of the imagination a poet but the sentiment is similar.

I plan to enjoy this writer's block, this lover's day dream, this wonderfully beautiful distraction. If this blog suffers and falls by the wayside, so be it. It was never a source of profound writing and deep revelation anyway. It was a college course assignment that lasted much longer than the semester.

I much prefer being lost in thought over eyes that look at me as if every time seeing me is the first, a smile that brings light to my world I never thought possible, hands that make me feel safe and like I can slay dragons on my own all at the same time, the brilliant mind that challenges me on a daily basis. He is turning this cynic into a dreamer.

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me."

I am Disappointed

An evening that didn't go as I hoped leading to a day that looks nothing like it should...

You would think at my age I would not be so disappointed when things don't go the way I want them to. I still have this silly thing called hope. The world hasn't beaten it out of me and taken my rose colored glasses yet. I feel like that time gets closer and closer each day though.

One of my coworkers has a phrase he likes to use... Start as good as you can finish. He is jokingly referring to romantic encounters but it applies to so much more in life. When you start a new job, you are full of hope and enthusiasm for the possibilities it holds much as you are when you start a new relationship. It doesn't take long before the monotony of daily life starts to chip away at that enthusiasm, before you are just another rat in the race. 

I really thought my professional life, my career, would make a difference. My pie in the sky view of my life has me helping people live a better life. I can even see how working in IT has that potential. It is honestly why I have made the decision to work in the low paying realm of education instead of taking my skills corporate where I can make more money. I rationalized that, since I am not cut out to be a teacher, I can still assist in educating people and improving their lives by giving them the technical tools they need to succeed. The reality of it is that budgets and misogyny and general apathy on behalf of the clients make this a totally thankless and seemingly meaningless job. 

I joke so often that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's not a joke. It's true. I cannot keep doing what I am doing until I reach retirement. What is left of my light will burn out. Soon. I cannot help but feel like my time is running out on my professional biological clock. Am I at the point where I need to cope with having a job instead of a career? Do I resign myself to never reaching my full potential?

I feel like I have so much to offer and no clue where to start.

I am Unwell

I am a little under the weather. It's nothing major. I'm treating with some OTC/homeopathic remedies and hoping for the best. For now, I'm feeling sluggish and wishing someone would sing me soft kitty. But I know I will get better.

I am also comfortable in the knowledge that, if I don't start to improve, I can go to the closest doc in a box. I can be seen by a medical professional in a reasonable amount of time and walk out the door with prescriptions in hand. I can then go to any number of pharmacies around town and have those prescriptions filled with little out of pocket expense.

You see, I have this luxury called health insurance. A small slice of my salary each month goes towards the monthly premiums. I complain about the expense. It has steadily increased year after year. So far, it has not increased to the point that I have ever considered dropping the coverage. It's a nice security blanket to have for myself and for my son. But it is a luxury. It is not something that everyone has access to, either because they lack the full time employment to qualify or they do not make enough to pay the premiums even if they have a full time job.

I should not be writing this and referring to basic health care as a luxury item. Once upon a time, luxury items were fancy cars, large homes, diamonds. When did our personal well being and fresh vegetables join this list?

I will not pretend to be knowledgeable on the Affordable Care Act which promises to expand health care to so many Americans who are uninsured or underinsured. I know that I, personally, have already seen the benefits. I have one monthly prescription that I paid $75 a month out of pocket for years. I considered myself lucky when switched to a plan that covered this Rx with a copay of only $20. In January, I started to receive this drug at no out of pocket expense.

It frustrates me when friends and family have to use the ER as their doctor's office when they are sick. It also frustrates me to hear of people unable to have necessary prescriptions filled because they need to eat that week. Or put gas in their car to get to a job that doesn't provide all of their basic needs.

In worship last night, we were asked to put ourselves in the shoes of the characters in the story. Someone mentioned the Pharisees in this particular passage and a feeling of empathy for them. The reasoning given was that they had been told their whole lives if you work hard and play by the rules, these are the things that will happen for you. You will be rewarded with a happy and comfortable life, your basic needs will be met if you only follow along and do what you are told. Yet, others in the passage didn't follow the rules and were still blessed. I feel like the Pharisees today. So many people work hard, play by the rules and they never seem to achieve that American Dream we have all been promised. Instead, their employers cut their hours to avoid having to provide health care. Or they choose not to pay a living wage so that they can post record profits.

Something is wrong when the financial health of a company is more valuable than the physical health of the people keeping the company afloat.

I am the IT Guy

I got my first computer when I was in the first grade. It was a TI-99. My dad bought it at JC Penney in Ballou Park when they still had an electronics department and giant Sesame Street characters in the children's department. He bought it from a man who went on to open a well known computer business in town. They sold cartridges for it, similar to Atari games, but I never had any of those. I had books of code. Everything the computer did, I programmed it to do. I accomplished sophisticated tasks such as drawing ASCII cats or making the words BLAST OFF fly up the screen complete with sound effects.

From then on, computers were a part of my life and my education. I had more access to the computer labs in elementary school due to my involvement in the gifted program as well as technology focused education in the summer through the same program. I got my first desktop computer when I was about 14, a Tandy from Radio Shack with a COLOR dot matrix printer. I became a desktop publishing wizard. I made signs and fliers and cards and tee shirt transfers. I continued this trend in high school when I took a graphics class. On the weekends, my boyfriend, his brother and I built a computer. We would save up money, order parts and slowly assemble until we got the crowning glory... a modem. I was online. One of the first sites I found was the Internet Cello Society, of which I am still a member. At this point, I still was not considering tech as a career. I was focused on my music and, more importantly, no one told me it was even an option. My first semester in college, my roommate brought a computer and I paid for our internet service. Dial up. The college did not provide access at that time. My second year, they did. So, I befriended the IT work study and assisted in server maintenance and message board moderation. By then, I knew the music thing really wasn't going to work out. I had taken something I loved and beaten the life out of it until I didn't care if I ever played cello again.

I found myself back home and needing to take classes at the local community college. But, what? What did I like enough to make a career out of? Computers. I liked computers. I was better with them than most people I knew. Why not? So, I signed up for computer networking courses. I graduated and after a few month of working a job not in my field, I found one as a help desk analyst. I progressed through the ranks to assistant network analyst then network analyst. I installed, performed troubleshooting and repaired desktops, laptops, printers, servers and switches. I have managed Novell and Microsoft based networks. I have created and deployed group policies for network management. I devised ways to, instead of reactively battling spyware and viruses, to proactively defending against without restricting people from their day to day job functions. I was at the top of my game. I absolutely loved what I did.

Then someone told me that I couldn't do those things because I was a girl. My responsibilities started to change. More and more things were taken from my and given to people that I had trained to do those very same tasks. So, I made a change. New scenery, new chance to prove myself. AWESOME! Instead, I landed in an environment where the "senior tech" was intimidated by me. He took great pleasure in finding things that he knew that I did not. (For the record, one of the only things he ever found on me was that he had read Sherlock Holmes and I had not.) Lots of change took place in that situation, lots of turn over. New leadership came in to place and I was excited. This was my time to shine. This was my opportunity to get back to what I loved, tech work. At our first meeting, I was told that he had never had a woman work for him and he wasn't exactly sure what I did. From there, I was told I could help the only other woman in the department (data, not tech) plan parties. I've been reported for showing too much cleavage even though I am a very modest person, both personally and professionally. I've been shuffled off to work with the nursing program. I've been set aside to answer the phones because I have a nice personality. I've been relegated to putting the work the men are doing in to spreadsheets instead of actually helping with the work.

I am the IT guy. I am the one that knows how to fix your computer and keep things running so that you can do your job. But, I am not being allowed to do it and I am miserable. I am considering a career change because of it. I can no longer stand in the middle of meetings jumping up and down, raising my hand, yelling ME ME ME, I can do that, assign ME that project. To quote a friend, it's a "ridiculous misuse of assets!"

The feminist in me wants to stand and fight for any other woman that wants to go in to a non-traditional field. The human in me is tired of fighting the battle.

I am Fascinated by the Little Things

It was the tiniest piece of sea glass. Most people would not have exerted the effort to bend over and retrieve it. I'm not even sure how I spotted this tiny fragment. I do not find four leaf clovers and I have only found one fairy stone over my entire life in Southside Virginia.

Yet, there it was.

I found it in my first moment back on the shores of the East Coast since my life changed permanently and completely 2 years ago. 

24 hours later, sitting on the beach again, I opened a book on my Kindle that I did not recall ever starting. I was over 50% in and the paragraph I was on said this in regards to sea glass: "Glass is really temperamental. Just when you think you know what you're doing, you get another curveball. But, it's all worth it because every once in a while you create something that's so beautiful you don't even know where it came from."

I think these little signs, these little details, these little coincidences that most people choose to ignore tell us more about our lives and our paths than we know. I believe in their significance yet I do not seek them out. I deny their meaning more often than I pay attention. It seems lately, the more I try to ignore them or over-analyze or apply intellect and reason, the more things present themselves to me. They seem to be saying pay attention and enjoy this because you are finally on the right path.

There is still a lot that is not clear to me. There are a lot of things I need to work on. In the meantime, I will focus on and continue to be entranced with the little things in my life... The little messages from God, the little nudges from Mother Nature, the gentle "I told you so's" from a friend... Because little things amount to so much more when you are paying attention.

I am Cryptic

I want to blog about something I experienced.

It feels too personal to share.

It was amazing for me, something that has rarely happened in my life. It was spiritual and intimate and left me with an overwhelming sense of peace. I doubt that anyone in the room with me realized how deeply I was moved by the occasion. They have no idea that they are part of the reason it touched me the way it did. This is the first time I've been involved with a "church family" that actually felt like family. The things that were said in the humble chapel were real. Nothing was a smoke screen, nothing was done for appearances. All of my other religious experiences have been theatrical productions (or side shows, depending on your point of view.) To experience something authentic was amazing and humbling and awe inspiring. I felt closer to everyone in that room and withdrawn into myself, into a very personal space all at the same time.

Yes, this is vague. But now you know. Something happened. It was beautiful. And maybe, just maybe, it's one more step in the melting of a cynic's heart.

I'll leave you with a song:

"Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart"

Random Poetry for a Monday

I collect books of poetry. I usually choose those with inscriptions in the front.
Sometimes I choose one because of the author, usually someone you don't expect to be writing poetry.
This caused me to end up with a book of poetry by Leonard Nimoy, Warmed by Love.

Allow me to share a few with you. I like them. Whether they are technically good poetry, I cannot say.

Rocket Ships

Rocket ships
are exciting
But so are roses
on a birthday
Computers are exciting
but so is a sunset
and logic
will never replace
Love
Sometimes I wonder
where I belong
in the future
or
in the past
I guess I'm just
An old-fashioned
Spaceman

Love Does Happen

Love does happen
Like a touch
of grace

It falls
Into place
Where there used
to be
Empty space

When I hold your
face
in my hands
I ask
How did this happen
To me?

I am Enough

I try to watch a couple of TED talks a week. They are inspiring, they are witty, they are full of knowledge that someone else possesses and is willing to share with the world.

Today I found Brené Brown's talk on the power of vulnerability. It struck a chord. I was sitting at my desk, working on some things, listening to her in the background when I had to stop, put in both of my noise cancelling ear-buds and drown out the world with her words for a moment. I had to fight back tears.

Something I have realized over the past few months is that I am a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship. Immediately after my separation, I became involved with someone who told me at every turn that I was not enough. If I expressed emotion, I was crazy. If I was the one to initiate plans, I was clingy. If I expressed a desire to spend time together, I was needy. When I would do any of these things, I would jokingly say that he put me in time out. I was only half joking. I would be cut off for a few days with no contact. If we had previous plans, they were canceled. I was not allowed to contact him. If I tried, I would receive no reply. He would contact me when he was ready to deal with me or needed a sitter for his daughter again. Over the course of the relationship, I lost around 20 pounds. It was never acknowledged. My efforts were never applauded. In fact, the opposite happened. I was called fat. I was told that I was ridiculous for thinking anyone would see me as sexy, that I should try to be the funny chubby girl and embrace that. Never was I told that I was pretty, or beautiful, or worthy of time, attention and love. I began to believe I was not.

The result of this is that I closed myself off. I said I would never make myself vulnerable again. The wall was built and I was going to hide behind it for as long as possible. This started months before I found the courage to end the relationship. Yes, it took courage despite how toxic I knew it was. I had become someone I hated. I was a victim. I was weak. I had no self-confidence or self-worth. I gave someone the power to take those things from me. Slowly I've tried removing bricks from the wall. I've tried new things, experienced new things, met new people, made new friends but I've done them all with the hesitation of a puppy that's been kicked one too many times.

(I had to pause here. This is the hardest blog I've ever written. Vulnerable while writing about vulnerability. Imagine that. Kudos to my coworkers who somehow sensed my need for comic relief from the confines of their cubicles.)

I don't know what else I can say other than I'm going to take the advice here. I'm going to embrace my vulnerability and see what happens.

"They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.They thought this was fundamental."

Please watch the talk. I think it is relevant to us all. She starts with her research on human connection and how it's not possible without vulnerability. 

"Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

I am without pen and paper

I have mentioned before that I keep a book of quotes that I find along the way that I like.
I found one and have no where to write it so I'm recording it here.

"In that kiss, I saw a vision of my future: full of amazing people, adventures and creativity." - Lindsay Benner

I found it in this article if you care to read it in context:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/23/fashion/weddings/the-sparks-flew-before-they-even-met.html?pagewanted=1&_r=0&ref=weddings

I am scared/nervous/freaked out...

...but in a good way.

I think.

I feel like I'm standing at the beginning of something with the potential to be amazing. In fact, I've already seen glimpses that were marvelous.

My cynical side says enjoy it while it lasts. The devil on my shoulder says "you know you always screw these things up."

About a month ago, I was at a gathering where someone was doing tarot card readings. I took my turn. I had never had a reading before and I'm not entirely certain how I feel about the validity. I also saw no harm in the experience. I was told there was something unexpected coming my way and that it would be a very positive experience for me. I wish if this were it, I had some way of knowing. I struggle with the unknown. I can't control the unknown.

So, I find myself standing here, at this starting line, with cautious optimism. My efforts to evade my inner cynic are improving. Hoping for happiness is starting to overcome fear of failure or rejection.

I have a rather persistent smile on my face.

I think I'll try to enjoy that to the fullest for as long as I am allowed.

(To the select few of you that have an inkling as to what I am talking about, comment with discretion if you choose to do so.)

I am a Feminist

If you've met me, this isn't a revelation. I do feel the need to explain a little because there seems to be some confusion over what this entails.

I want to be equal in my workplace. Not because I am a woman, but because I am a human. My pay and duties should not rely on my gender in any way. I don't want my coworkers to feel the need to treat me differently than my male counterparts. I work in a "shop" atmosphere. No need to adjust your language or your topics just because I'm here. Carry on as you normally would. I'll be ok. Really. I only want to be able to do my job and not have my abilities questioned because I am a female in a male dominated field.

Personally, I'm not as militant as I am when it comes to my job. I am uncomfortable with the holding open of doors when it is specifically for me. Please don't let it slam in my face but don't go out of your way either. I can't say that I've had my chair pulled out (except in the dining room on a cruise ship) or a car door opened for me (I'm usually driving) so I don't really have opinions on those actions. The motives behind the actions are more important to me. If you are doing these things for me because you genuinely care, I'll let you get away with it sometimes. If you are doing them to be polite, I won't frown upon it either. The world needs more politeness. However, If you are doing them because you feel obligated, let me lift that obligation now.

I've read articles that guys don't know how to date or approach a feminist. Will we or won't we be offended by your approach? I can't speak for anyone else. I am comfortable with somewhat more traditional rolls in dating. That's so much different than work or casual relationships. There will be a degree of mutual respect in that situation that makes chivalrous actions not seem demeaning. I think I would like to be contacted first, to have a date planned for me, to be picked up at my door. (I am a little out of practice, that's why I quantify that with "I think.")

I've mentioned before that I wear many hats. When I have on my political activist hat or my IT guy hat, I am absolutely a feminist. I've been a victim of being deemed unable to make my own healthcare decisions and had people assume that I cannot do my job simply because I am female. I will fight against that as long as it remains an issue for any woman. But, when I step out of those rolls and get to let my hair down and be myself, maybe I'm not the feminazi people think I am.

Or maybe I'm a feminist that likes when a guy gives me flowers. That's ok, too.

I am Divorced

I've touched on the fact that I am divorced in previous posts.

Today is my first wedding anniversary as a divorcée so it felt appropriate to explore that a little deeper.

I married when I was 21 years old and my husband was 19. We had been dating about 6 months when the wedding planning began. There was a baby on the way so things were fast tracked and we were married 2 months later. I never thought in that whirlwind 2 months that I would be sitting where I am today. I intended for that to be my only marriage. Who knows? Maybe it will be. That chapter has yet to be written.

We worked very hard together for years. We built a family. We bought a home, sold it, built another. We had more cars than licensed drivers, more tv's than people and always took at least 2 vacations a year. It all looked good on the surface. At some point, things changed. We stopped working together. We started leading separate lives with separate goals. The divorce has allowed us to remain friends, maybe even become better friends. We are able to work together towards what is best for our son.

I feel like we both gave it our best before making the hardest decision we've ever had to make. I believe it was a mutual decision even though I am the one that started the process. I knew at that moment that I may be alone for the rest of my life. However, if I stayed I would never have the chance at being truly happy and loved. Even now, it sounds very selfish to say this outloud. People have chastised me for walking away. I have beaten myself up about it. Divorce feels like failure. I could not make this work. I couldn't take what looked like a great life and make myself be happy with it. The flaw lies with me, right? People have offered advice, asked why we didn't try counseling. I'm even asked now, 6 months post divorce, if there is really no chance of reconciliation. 

Things are really better off this way. That doesn't make it easy but it was the right thing to do. You aren't supposed to say that about divorce. There's still a stigma. But it was the right thing for me, for my husband, for our son. 

As I was typing this, The Avett Brothers "Tear Down the House" came on Spotify.

Seems appropriate.

I remember crying over you

And I don't mean like a couple of tears

And then I'm blue

I'm talkin' about collapsing

And screaming at the moon

But I'm a better man

For having gone through it

Yes, I'm a better man

For having gone through…

I am Random (Part 4)

Here we are, week four of randomness.

I actually have a real post I wanted to write but my random thoughts don't match the real post

There are only two so let's get the show on the road.

• It's just not a real day at work if I don't injure myself. It's never anything major (It's just a flesh wound) but its enough to make me want to say ugly words and need a band aid. Today is no exception.
• I'm still eating vegetarian. Saturdays seem to be my "cheat" day. I tried mock duck at a Thai restaurant this week and it was pretty good. I've never been able to eat duck because of the fat content. This was a nice substitute in more ways than one.

There ya go.

Until next week...

I am Random (Part 3)

I joked that I would make this a weekly thing.
Now, I'm attempting it even though I have no material.

So, where should we start this week... something trivial random or something with depth?

1. I have a blank book with Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas on the cover. Inside the book, I write quotes, poems, songs and passages that speak to me. I write them all in pencil. It is an ecelectic mix of unidentifiable quotes from the internet, quotes from movies and the occasional fortune cookie. I don't know that anyone else has ever looked inside the book.
2. When I was little, around toddler age, I would eat an entire Peppermint Pattie without making a mess. A full sized Peppermint Pattie, not the bite sized ones. My paternal grandmother would give them to me more than she should have because of the amazing feat of no chocolate on my face. I learned at an early age not to waste any of the good stuff. Dark chocolate is still my favorite. 
3. I am absolutely terrified of my 10 measure solo I have in the symphony concert tomorrow night. It's not that difficult, it's a beautiful melody. But its me, totally exposed. I know from past experience that even my own parents don't notice when I have a solo so I'm not sure why I'm so nervous. I hope I get over it before the concert. 

That's all.

Carry on with your day.

I am not a Vegetarian

But I have been taking it for a test drive.

Honestly, its not so bad. It will be better when I figure out that I have to pack more food for lunch!

I spent 5 days last week eating no meat. I did pretty good. I think I found decent protein replacements. I have never eaten a lot of meat anyway; rarely red meat, lots of chicken. I haven't mastered the cooking for 1 process either, regardless of my diet. I rely a lot on convenience foods such as frozen chicken strips for salads or frozen meatballs for spaghetti.
I broke my meatless streak twice Saturday. The first time was when my son refused the bacon biscuit I bought him for breakfast. He has his own food issues and bacon is one of the few proteins he eats at all. I didn't want to throw it away so I tried to eat it. It was the worst bacon biscuit ever. Fast forward to Saturday lunch. I was at the local greasy spoon where lettuce and tomatoes are the only veggies in sight. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and could only eat half of it before I was full. It also gave me heartburn although I imagine that is related more to the cooking process than the chicken itself.

I decided to continue this week but I'm not very creative and I haven't had a chance to do much grocery shopping. Lunch has been spicy black bean burgers with salsa and cheese on mini whole wheat pitas. I made Thai red curry broccoli and noodles one night. That was good, would have been better with more sauce. Time for a trip to Trader Joe's!

I am not taking in enough calories. I am painfully aware of this right now as I type. I'm a little excited that I've remember the cheese stick stashed in my purse.

It's funny the way people have reacted. "Oh, so you're a vegetarian now?" with obvious disdain in their voices. No, just something I giving a try. It can't hurt anything. I've been a work in progress for several years on eating healthier. Plus being vegetarian is more environmentally responsible. Anything I can do to offset my extreme love for my gas-gussling SUV, I should attempt.

So, I'm not a vegetarian today. It takes 21 days straight for something to become a habit. But, I may be one day.

As a side note, I re-read my last post and have determined no more late night blogging after a few glasses of wine.

I am Random (part 2)

I have decided after one of the weirdest weeks ever to add to my random list.

1. I am extremely insecure. People tell me all the time that I shouldn't be this way. I have no clue how to be any other way. I need a map to the insecurity switch so I can flip it.

2. I have been meat-free for 5 days. It's not so bad.

3. I have a little crush on someone and have absolutely no idea what to do with that. Like, seriously, giggling like a school girl crush. Totally out of character for me. The butterflies are nice. :-)

4. I sleep with a stuffed moose that smells like chocolate. I'm surprised he still has ears every morning.

5. I fall asleep almost every night watching Friends on Nick at Night. 

6. I had my cards read tonight and I liked what they had to say.

I am an Introvert

ISFJ

Introvert(89%)  Sensing(12%)  Feeling(38%)  Judging(11%)

• You have strong preference of Introversion over Extraversion (89%)
• You have slight preference of Sensing over Intuition (12%)
• You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (38%)
• You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (11%)

A lot of people don't know how to react to that.

People think I'm shy, conceited, cold, unfriendly. I'm not. Just give me a little while, give me a chance, you'll see.

When you add in a touch of social anxiety to the introversion, situations that most people are excited about become stressful for me such as meeting new people or walking in to a party or restaurant alone. 

I just had a very busy weekend, a total of 7 social events over the course of 3 days. You have no idea how exhausting that can be for an introvert. I was surrounded by wonderful friends and family for most of it and I loved it. There is a recovery time, though. I spent several hours Saturday night and Sunday morning in complete silence. I didn't speak to anyone, I didn't have the tv on, I was not listening to music. It was quiet. And necessary  My battery was recharged for the the rest of the day Sunday. 

It wasn't enough. I find myself recharging again today. I was not feeling well when I woke up. I think all the pollen in the area ran for cover in my sinuses when it heard rain was in the forecast. Couple that with the exhaustion from the weekend and I slept until 10am today (that never happens anymore) and I am still sitting here with no music, no tv, no noise. 

However, I can't help but feeling as nice as the quiet is, I wish I had someone to share it with. Susan Cain said in her TED talk The Power of Introverts "...in my family, reading was the primary group activity. And this may sound antisocial to you, but for us it was just a different way of being social. You have the animal warmth of your family sitting right next to you, but you are also free to go roaming around the adventureland inside your own mind." I cannot think of a better way to describe it. If you've never seen her talk, please watch it. It's a user's guide to all the introverts in your life.

I am Random

Confession is good for the soul, or so "they" say. (Does anyone know who "they" are and how they reached expert status on every subject?)

I thought I'd share a few random things about me that you may or may not know. Who knows? Maybe I can turn this into a regular thing. Totally Random Thursdays? I'll start a new trend. It will be all the rage... with the two of you reading this.

1. I think just about the sweetest thing ever would be to come out of work and find a handwritten note on my windshield. In this digital age, communication is so impersonal. My last relationship was all texts and emails; no love letters, no real face to face conversations. I want someone to think I'm worth the time and effort to surprise me like that. Part two of this confession is that even though I don't have anyone in my life right now that would do this, I always check my windshield before I get in the car. Hey! You never know, right?
2. I read the missed connections board on Craigslist. I find it interesting that someone thinks enough of a random stranger to post online to try and find them. Sometimes the postings are creepy. OK, most of the time. I still read them. I've actually recognized a person being sought out once. The message to her was TOTALLY creepy so I didn't mention it to her. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
3. I may be mildly OCD. My mother pointed this out just a few years ago. I was eating from a bag of Hershey's miniatures. I very methodically (and unconsciously) stacked the like flavors in very neat rows and ate them in order of least favorite to most favorite. I also eat M&M's in order of color, starting with the one that has the least amount of candy in that color.
4. Target is my place. Yes, I like shopping at Target. I am a proud red card holder. I buy a lot of my groceries and most everything else I need there. But, that is not what I mean. If I've had a stressful day, if my kid is tap dancing on my last nerve, if I'm upset or mad or sad... I go to Target. I don't usually buy anything on these trips. I just walk the store. It's almost eerily quiet in there sometimes, particularly later at night when they aren't that busy. I'll start at the front, walk back to the shoes, hang a right, take a twirl through electronics, then off to books and seasonal before hanging another right past the grocery section back the front aisle where I take another right and head for the door. Depending on the day and the mood, this may take 15 minutes or it may take an hour. I could probably accomplish the same thing on the Riverwalk however my allergies and sensitivity to cold temperatures limit when I can do that. I can (usually) always walk around Target. So, if you see me in there and I don't have a shopping cart then it's probably the Target Meditation Walk.

How's that for random?

I am my own worst enemy

A friend just commented on what she sees as increased confidence in me.

I wish I could agree with her. My life is very different than it was when I first met her. I've taken steps that people have called courageous and bold. Those same steps have been called those of a quitter and a coward by others.

Here's the thing, in spite of all the changes I've made, in spite of whatever degree of confidence and courage they may have taken, I view myself as neither of these things.

I am my own worst enemy.

I met someone who others suggested I should get to know better. I agreed. However, I talked myself out of it because I know I'm not a good fit for them. I'm over 30, I'm divorced, I have a teenage son. They are younger. The age difference is not that extreme (I am no cougar!) but being at the beginning of a journey as opposed to the end makes it seem like decades.

I recently entered an art show and placed 3rd overall. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I talked myself out of entering so many times that I was scrambling the week of submissions to get everything framed. I reasoned that if I can do this, anyone can. I said that my photographs are not art league quality. I scoffed at the minimal entry fees and costs of prints and frames.

I can come up with a myriad of other examples... job opportunities, community leadership/involvement, friends, potential dates, social events, artistic talents... I have a book of reason why I am not a good fit. Why do I do that? Just because I haven't found exactly what I am looking for at this stage in life doesn't mean that nothing will ever be a good fit. Logically I know this.

“Whatever a monk keeps pursuing with his thinking and pondering, that becomes the inclination of his awareness.” ~ Majjhima Nikaya 19

Until I change my school of thought and embrace the confidence and courage that others seem to be seeing in me, I will never progress any further than I have at this stage of life.

I am a work in progress. Bear with me during construction. Things could get messy.

I am humbled

I had a conversation with a lady last night. I do not know her story. I can only assume that it has neither been as comfortable nor as easy as mine.

We talked about her baby, who is 2, and mine, who is 14. We both spoke with pride at their age and accomplishments. She asked where my son was and I explained that it is his week with his father. A look came over her face that I can best describe as pity and compassion as she said "You are all alone this week? All by yourself?" I replied "yes" before something in the other room caught our attention and the conversation ended.

It was a brief exchange and probably not even a memory for her.

For me it was a reminder that for all the "stuff" I may have, the comforts that are mine, there are things that I am missing.

Yes, I have friends, family and a full calendar but there are honestly days that I can not speak to another human outside of interactions at work. It is my new reality and I am adjusting.

As I was leaving this time of fellowship, the gentleman I sat beside all evening asked me if I had a dollar to spare. If you know me, you know that I NEVER have cash. It is a habit I've developed despite the reminder on the sign of the convenience store I pass several times a day proclaiming "Real men tote cash. ATM inside." As I expressed my regrets, he told me he hoped I had blessed week and that he would like a chance to talk some day because I have a friendly face.

Such minor interactions to most but for someone who had no one to go home to, they meant the world. I'm really enjoying my time with this new-found group of believers.

I am Discouraged

We've already established that I am single.
I've decided to dip my toe in the online dating world and, let me tell you, it's not pretty.
I have been called a racist for not replying to someone of another color. Let's just ignore the fact that his username was "brokenheadboard". Trust me when I say that the color of his skin was not a factor in the decision not to reply.
I've been called stuck up for choosing not to continue a conversation with someone else. He had no picture. He did not introduce himself. He chose to tell me he wanted to undress me. Some girls may go for that but me... well, let's just say I at least expect you to buy me dinner first. If that makes me stuck up then so be it.
I've been called thick. I think maybe it was meant as a compliment. However, to a chubby girl trying to lose weight.... that was not a compliment!
I've been sent phone numbers without prompting. I've received messages that sounded like arrangements for a business meeting.
I've been contacted by people from age 22 to age 72.
How does ANYONE ever actually meet the love of their life this way?

I am a Single Girl

(ok - so I'm going to tell my age here. That's hard when you are writing a blog for a college class and everyone else is... well... college aged!)

For the first time since 1996, I am totally single. No boyfriend, no husband. Just me. The last time I had to worry about meeting people and dating and that whole process, I was only 19 years old. Let's just say I think the rules are a little different now.

For right now, I'm embracing the alone-ness of it all. Every other week, I have free reign of my apartment (my son is with me 50% of the time, single mom, another post). I can do what I want, watch what I want on tv, eat what I want, leave when I want or stay home and do nothing. That part is AWESOME. I am, by nature, a hermit, so it works out nicely. However, being a hermit does not lend itself well to meeting other people. Often, my socializing is limited to interactions at work and time spent on social networking sites. I am an introvert but I still crave human contact. 

I do have a great group of friends. We go out on Fridays after work for a drink sometimes. We have the local "watering hole" we like to frequent. It's like Cheers. They know our names, tolerate our ever growing and shrinking crowd and are only slightly irritated when we linger too long when they are busy. However, it was noted on a recent Friday evening that a large portion of the clientele is gay. That's awesome! You already know I'm an ally. Some of my best friends are gay. But, when you are a single girl out on a Friday night this is NOT what you want to hear.

So, where does one go in this small town to meet people?  I'm in no rush. But I like to have a plan. I met my husband in class at the local community college... electricity class to be specific. That made for a great story when there was still a spark. I met my post-separation boyfriend at an art gallery with a push from a friend so I didn't really have to put any effort in to that and neither did he. That should have been a sign. I deserve a little effort. 

So, I find myself of the cusp of a new part of my life. In my first post, I eluded to being exactly where I should have been 14 years ago. I'm in college, I'm renting my first apartment ever, I'm single and I have the whole world in front of me. I never did care for doing things in order.

I am a slacker

I need to write a real blog entry but it has been a totally crazy week.
Maybe that's what I'll do while the rest of the world watches football tomorrow.
I have a list of ideas, time to put fingertip to keyboard.

I am a Cynic

“Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist”
— George Carlin

I am an Ally

Growing up, it never occurred to me that others may not have the same rights that I have. For that matter, it never occurred to me that I would, as a woman, not have the same rights as anyone around me. Working in a non-traditional job for a female has been a slap in the face in that regard but that is for another post. 

Today, I want to focus on my role as ally. I absolutely believe that anyone, regardless of orientation, should have equal rights under the law. This is a civil rights issue. Tax paying citizens of the United States of America are treated as second class citizens every day when they are denied the same rights afforded to their straight peers. I currently serve on the board of PFLAG of Danville, VA. This is a local chapter of the national organization which provides support to the parents, friends and family of the LGBT community.

This is a cause I am passionate about. What right does anyone have to tell someone else that love is wrong, just because it doesn't look like your version of love? I am 35 years old and divorced. I got married because "I had to," which is not true but how it is viewed in the south (again, another post). I don't know that in my 35 years I have ever truly been loved, that someone has ever truly wanted to marry me and share a life with me. I do not say this to belittle my marriage or my ex because we cared for each other and do to this day. I say it to say... why should anyone else be denied the right to find true love, to marry their soul mate and live happily ever after with full protection and rights under the law? For that matter, why should anyone be denied the right to marry the wrong person, totally screw things up and find themselves back at square one, divorced and starting over? 

Love is love.

NEVER turn your back on it, regardless of what it looks like. My happily ever after is without a doubt different than anyone else's, even though I am a straight, white female. Should it be illegal for that reason?

This is the big debate now. Marriage. It goes deeper than that. I can't lose my job for being straight. I can't be denied renting an apartment because I'm straight. I can't be denied adopting a child simply because I'm straight. I cannot be denied medical treatment for being straight. Do you see how ridiculous this sounds?

Your friends, your neighbors, members of your family are all being denied basic civil rights. To borrow an oft quoted phrase... If you aren't pissed off, you aren't paying attention.

I am a Zumba Student

I'm not sure if student is the right word.

I've joined a Zumba group. I'm not an overly religious person but it is a faith-based group called Redeemed Zumba Fitness. There are five classes a week and I regularly attend at least two. 20% of the class fees go to a different charity each month and we host regular Zumbathons for people in need.
This group of women (mostly, there are a few men trickling in and they are more than welcome!) is one of the most non-judgemental groups of people I have ever been involved with. (The other is my PFLAG group, but that is for another post.) They have accepted me, and anyone else who walks through those doors, with open arms and you immediately become family. We have laughed together, cried together and we definitely sweat together. We have grown to having around 70 people in class each night. We email, text and facebook constantly.

Like my belly dance community, I never expected this when I walked in to class the first time. I thought I'd go a few times, didn't really think it was for me but I was trying to support a friend who started teaching the class. I was hooked. The other ladies have wonderful success stories of the scale slowly moving down. I don't have that yet. What I see in the mirror is improving so I'm not worried about that number. In case you are wondering, no, this is NOT a new year's resolution thing. Honestly, I started the week of Christmas. I was lonely. I am recently divorced (again, another post in the future, maybe). My son was going to be with his father, the guy I was seeing at the time was going to be out of town. I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I did not want to sit at home, bored, on the couch the entire time I was off work. I ended up being invited to a 70's party right before New Years. (Forgive the blurry picture but its the best I've got of the AWESOME outfit I picked up at Wild N Crazy Vintage in Greensboro for the party) I definitely didn't spend the holidays alone!

Last Saturday, we hosted a Zumbathon for Jane Whitley. She is battling cancer and needs a stem cell procedure. The idea was brought to the group by the pastor at Trinity UMC. He did not know her personally. Jackie, our instructor, does not know her. A few people did show up Saturday that actually knew Jane and how important this was for her family. The majority of the people involved had no clue. They just got the call that someone was in need and stepped up to the plate, ready to go to bat for this stranger so that she could receive the care she needed. We heard that the procedure was around $3,000 and they had been able to raise $2,000 so far. $1,000 seemed like a lofty goal for an event thrown together in about 2 weeks time. NOT FOR THIS GROUP! The final figure was approximately $1,700. We came together, we danced our tails off for 2.5-3 hours and it was all for a good cause. 

WSET even showed up to cover the event. Did they show up at 10 am when we were fresh and energized? Did they show up at 10 am when we were working with the instructor we knew? Did they show up when the room was packed? Oh, no, that would have been too perfect! They showed up near the end of the 3rd hour. We didn't know any of the routines, the instructor was like Tigger (you know, top made of rubber, bottom made out of springs?), and we were all about to collapse. If you look closely at the beginning of the clip, you can spy me in all black on the left hand side of your screen.

WSET - Zumbathon for Jane Whitley

I'm learning that the more positive activities and influences you have in your life, the happier you are. I'm glad I decided to walk in to this Zumba class. I have walked away with much more than an hour of cardio.

I am a Belly Dancer

I confessed to my Digital Media class last night that I am a belly dancer.

Again, another label I am not entirely comfortable with. I am strictly a hobbyist.

There are so many misconceptions over what a belly dancer is. No, we are not strippers. Quite frankly, the style of fusion belly dance that I've been learning the past 2 years is rarely even sexy. It's a little bit gypsy, a little bit punk, a little bit sassy and a whole lot silly sometimes. The true belly dancers have muscle control that would be the envy of any athlete. They can isolate muscles that I'm not entirely certain I possess.

I will never forget my first class. I went in expecting the whole sexy, mysterious, woman of intrigue experience. Not a chance. We learned a dance to the Monster Mash since it was almost Halloween. I later had someone say to me "Did you really expect it to be sexy at your age?" WHAT? Really? Wow. I knew we were going to perform in nursing homes, didn't realize I was ready for one. And with that, I became one of the Sisters of the Southern Moon.

One thing I did gain that was totally unexpected was a great network of friends. I've been to a few workshops and a weekend of world music and dance in the mountains of Stuart, Virginia. People came from all over the country to STUART, VIRGINIA to camp, dance, sing, play music, teach, learn, trade, bond. It was amazing.

Sisters of the Southern Moon campsite at Darbukastan Independence Days in Stuart, Virginia

In the past 2 years, I have danced in nursing homes, international festivals, performed at the Tamarack in Beckley, West Virginia and attended some AWESOME haflas (which is just a Arabic word for party). I've learned a lot, gained some self confidence, lost some weight. It's been a fun journey.

Mandatory Snow Post

Yes, Virginia, we got snow.
Not much.
It was enough to give me a much needed night at home to catch up on domestic things. Well, OK, so that translated mostly in to Netflix but I did do some laundry.
The location of my humble abode doesn't provide much scenery for photographing. I did manage to snap this one shot with my phone.

I am a Photographer

Do you know how hard it is for me to make that statement?
Who do I think I am to call myself a photographer? Anybody with a camera can do what I do, right?
(And no, I won't shoot your kids or your wedding for free. I'm not that kind of photographer. I don't like people as subjects.)

In June of 2011, I took a huge leap. I joined a gallery. I ordered prints, framed them, put a price tag on them and actually sold a few things. I've had work published and I even won an award for one of my photographs.

But something happened. I haven't been spending as much time with my camera. I haven't been inspired. That makes claiming the label photographer even more difficult. Now I have a new label - blogger. That inspired me to get my camera out and see what happened. I am absolutely pleased with the results.

I am a photographer. The gallery is closed. I don't have a venue for my work anymore. That never stopped me before and I won't let it stop me now.

Droid girl in a Apple world

For those of you who know me, you know that I am not a fan of Apple products. I'm a PC/Android.
In the world of tech support, you can't always play favorites. I support a lot of Apple products and have recently been issued an iPad. It is my first tablet and my first iOS device.

I am used to the flexibility and ability to customize with an android device. I feel limited with Apple's interface and find myself unable to complete tasks the way I want to complete them. My biggest frustration has been the app store. Android has a myriad of free apps to perform just about any function you can think of. You have options. The open source platform encourages people to develop apps for the way they use them. Apple maintains nazi-like control over what is available in the app store. Yes, it weeds out the junk but it also limits your options.

I say all this to point out what I think is my favorite app so far. That app is Evernote. It's available for all mobile devices and pc so you are not limited to using this on an Apple product. At first glance, it is simply a notepad app. You can organize your notes into notebooks. This is perfect for people like me who like to have their digital belongings neatly tucked away in folders as nature intended. It will also tag your notes with your location at the time of composition. You can add tags for easier searching and navigation. You can also take snapshots of documents to store within the notes. For example, I added the syllabus for my Digital Media class (for which this blog is an assignment) to the Evernote notebook I created for the class. You have the ability to add pictures as well as audio recordings to any note. The most convenient feature is the ability to create an account with Evernote and have all your notebooks backed up to the cloud.

So, check it out. Go ahead. I'll wait.
Oh, a link would be helpful?

Evernote

Be sure you come back and let me know what you think. I'd also love to hear from the Apple's out there. What are your favorite apps?

The First of Many Random Posts

I consider myself a Jack of all trades, Master of none. Or is that Jill and Mistress?

I'm right where I should have been 14 years ago and maybe in that time I've gained some experience that will help someone else. 

I've got a ton of hobbies and not enough time to participate in them all. I'm an activist, a liberal, a belly dancer, a photographer, a cellist, a pianist, an IT "guy" and a mom.

I can't tell you what to expect here because I'm not sure yet what I'll be willing to share with you. I can promise you it will be random. Like me.