I am Divorced

I've touched on the fact that I am divorced in previous posts.

Today is my first wedding anniversary as a divorcée so it felt appropriate to explore that a little deeper.

I married when I was 21 years old and my husband was 19. We had been dating about 6 months when the wedding planning began. There was a baby on the way so things were fast tracked and we were married 2 months later. I never thought in that whirlwind 2 months that I would be sitting where I am today. I intended for that to be my only marriage. Who knows? Maybe it will be. That chapter has yet to be written.

We worked very hard together for years. We built a family. We bought a home, sold it, built another. We had more cars than licensed drivers, more tv's than people and always took at least 2 vacations a year. It all looked good on the surface. At some point, things changed. We stopped working together. We started leading separate lives with separate goals. The divorce has allowed us to remain friends, maybe even become better friends. We are able to work together towards what is best for our son.

I feel like we both gave it our best before making the hardest decision we've ever had to make. I believe it was a mutual decision even though I am the one that started the process. I knew at that moment that I may be alone for the rest of my life. However, if I stayed I would never have the chance at being truly happy and loved. Even now, it sounds very selfish to say this outloud. People have chastised me for walking away. I have beaten myself up about it. Divorce feels like failure. I could not make this work. I couldn't take what looked like a great life and make myself be happy with it. The flaw lies with me, right? People have offered advice, asked why we didn't try counseling. I'm even asked now, 6 months post divorce, if there is really no chance of reconciliation. 

Things are really better off this way. That doesn't make it easy but it was the right thing to do. You aren't supposed to say that about divorce. There's still a stigma. But it was the right thing for me, for my husband, for our son. 

As I was typing this, The Avett Brothers "Tear Down the House" came on Spotify.

Seems appropriate.

I remember crying over you

And I don't mean like a couple of tears

And then I'm blue

I'm talkin' about collapsing

And screaming at the moon

But I'm a better man

For having gone through it

Yes, I'm a better man

For having gone through…

I am Random (Part 4)

Here we are, week four of randomness.

I actually have a real post I wanted to write but my random thoughts don't match the real post

There are only two so let's get the show on the road.

• It's just not a real day at work if I don't injure myself. It's never anything major (It's just a flesh wound) but its enough to make me want to say ugly words and need a band aid. Today is no exception.
• I'm still eating vegetarian. Saturdays seem to be my "cheat" day. I tried mock duck at a Thai restaurant this week and it was pretty good. I've never been able to eat duck because of the fat content. This was a nice substitute in more ways than one.

There ya go.

Until next week...

I am Random (Part 3)

I joked that I would make this a weekly thing.
Now, I'm attempting it even though I have no material.

So, where should we start this week... something trivial random or something with depth?

1. I have a blank book with Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas on the cover. Inside the book, I write quotes, poems, songs and passages that speak to me. I write them all in pencil. It is an ecelectic mix of unidentifiable quotes from the internet, quotes from movies and the occasional fortune cookie. I don't know that anyone else has ever looked inside the book.
2. When I was little, around toddler age, I would eat an entire Peppermint Pattie without making a mess. A full sized Peppermint Pattie, not the bite sized ones. My paternal grandmother would give them to me more than she should have because of the amazing feat of no chocolate on my face. I learned at an early age not to waste any of the good stuff. Dark chocolate is still my favorite. 
3. I am absolutely terrified of my 10 measure solo I have in the symphony concert tomorrow night. It's not that difficult, it's a beautiful melody. But its me, totally exposed. I know from past experience that even my own parents don't notice when I have a solo so I'm not sure why I'm so nervous. I hope I get over it before the concert. 

That's all.

Carry on with your day.

I am not a Vegetarian

But I have been taking it for a test drive.

Honestly, its not so bad. It will be better when I figure out that I have to pack more food for lunch!

I spent 5 days last week eating no meat. I did pretty good. I think I found decent protein replacements. I have never eaten a lot of meat anyway; rarely red meat, lots of chicken. I haven't mastered the cooking for 1 process either, regardless of my diet. I rely a lot on convenience foods such as frozen chicken strips for salads or frozen meatballs for spaghetti.
I broke my meatless streak twice Saturday. The first time was when my son refused the bacon biscuit I bought him for breakfast. He has his own food issues and bacon is one of the few proteins he eats at all. I didn't want to throw it away so I tried to eat it. It was the worst bacon biscuit ever. Fast forward to Saturday lunch. I was at the local greasy spoon where lettuce and tomatoes are the only veggies in sight. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and could only eat half of it before I was full. It also gave me heartburn although I imagine that is related more to the cooking process than the chicken itself.

I decided to continue this week but I'm not very creative and I haven't had a chance to do much grocery shopping. Lunch has been spicy black bean burgers with salsa and cheese on mini whole wheat pitas. I made Thai red curry broccoli and noodles one night. That was good, would have been better with more sauce. Time for a trip to Trader Joe's!

I am not taking in enough calories. I am painfully aware of this right now as I type. I'm a little excited that I've remember the cheese stick stashed in my purse.

It's funny the way people have reacted. "Oh, so you're a vegetarian now?" with obvious disdain in their voices. No, just something I giving a try. It can't hurt anything. I've been a work in progress for several years on eating healthier. Plus being vegetarian is more environmentally responsible. Anything I can do to offset my extreme love for my gas-gussling SUV, I should attempt.

So, I'm not a vegetarian today. It takes 21 days straight for something to become a habit. But, I may be one day.

As a side note, I re-read my last post and have determined no more late night blogging after a few glasses of wine.

I am Random (part 2)

I have decided after one of the weirdest weeks ever to add to my random list.

1. I am extremely insecure. People tell me all the time that I shouldn't be this way. I have no clue how to be any other way. I need a map to the insecurity switch so I can flip it.

2. I have been meat-free for 5 days. It's not so bad.

3. I have a little crush on someone and have absolutely no idea what to do with that. Like, seriously, giggling like a school girl crush. Totally out of character for me. The butterflies are nice. :-)

4. I sleep with a stuffed moose that smells like chocolate. I'm surprised he still has ears every morning.

5. I fall asleep almost every night watching Friends on Nick at Night. 

6. I had my cards read tonight and I liked what they had to say.

I am an Introvert

ISFJ

Introvert(89%)  Sensing(12%)  Feeling(38%)  Judging(11%)

• You have strong preference of Introversion over Extraversion (89%)
• You have slight preference of Sensing over Intuition (12%)
• You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (38%)
• You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (11%)

A lot of people don't know how to react to that.

People think I'm shy, conceited, cold, unfriendly. I'm not. Just give me a little while, give me a chance, you'll see.

When you add in a touch of social anxiety to the introversion, situations that most people are excited about become stressful for me such as meeting new people or walking in to a party or restaurant alone. 

I just had a very busy weekend, a total of 7 social events over the course of 3 days. You have no idea how exhausting that can be for an introvert. I was surrounded by wonderful friends and family for most of it and I loved it. There is a recovery time, though. I spent several hours Saturday night and Sunday morning in complete silence. I didn't speak to anyone, I didn't have the tv on, I was not listening to music. It was quiet. And necessary  My battery was recharged for the the rest of the day Sunday. 

It wasn't enough. I find myself recharging again today. I was not feeling well when I woke up. I think all the pollen in the area ran for cover in my sinuses when it heard rain was in the forecast. Couple that with the exhaustion from the weekend and I slept until 10am today (that never happens anymore) and I am still sitting here with no music, no tv, no noise. 

However, I can't help but feeling as nice as the quiet is, I wish I had someone to share it with. Susan Cain said in her TED talk The Power of Introverts "...in my family, reading was the primary group activity. And this may sound antisocial to you, but for us it was just a different way of being social. You have the animal warmth of your family sitting right next to you, but you are also free to go roaming around the adventureland inside your own mind." I cannot think of a better way to describe it. If you've never seen her talk, please watch it. It's a user's guide to all the introverts in your life.

I am Random

Confession is good for the soul, or so "they" say. (Does anyone know who "they" are and how they reached expert status on every subject?)

I thought I'd share a few random things about me that you may or may not know. Who knows? Maybe I can turn this into a regular thing. Totally Random Thursdays? I'll start a new trend. It will be all the rage... with the two of you reading this.

1. I think just about the sweetest thing ever would be to come out of work and find a handwritten note on my windshield. In this digital age, communication is so impersonal. My last relationship was all texts and emails; no love letters, no real face to face conversations. I want someone to think I'm worth the time and effort to surprise me like that. Part two of this confession is that even though I don't have anyone in my life right now that would do this, I always check my windshield before I get in the car. Hey! You never know, right?
2. I read the missed connections board on Craigslist. I find it interesting that someone thinks enough of a random stranger to post online to try and find them. Sometimes the postings are creepy. OK, most of the time. I still read them. I've actually recognized a person being sought out once. The message to her was TOTALLY creepy so I didn't mention it to her. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
3. I may be mildly OCD. My mother pointed this out just a few years ago. I was eating from a bag of Hershey's miniatures. I very methodically (and unconsciously) stacked the like flavors in very neat rows and ate them in order of least favorite to most favorite. I also eat M&M's in order of color, starting with the one that has the least amount of candy in that color.
4. Target is my place. Yes, I like shopping at Target. I am a proud red card holder. I buy a lot of my groceries and most everything else I need there. But, that is not what I mean. If I've had a stressful day, if my kid is tap dancing on my last nerve, if I'm upset or mad or sad... I go to Target. I don't usually buy anything on these trips. I just walk the store. It's almost eerily quiet in there sometimes, particularly later at night when they aren't that busy. I'll start at the front, walk back to the shoes, hang a right, take a twirl through electronics, then off to books and seasonal before hanging another right past the grocery section back the front aisle where I take another right and head for the door. Depending on the day and the mood, this may take 15 minutes or it may take an hour. I could probably accomplish the same thing on the Riverwalk however my allergies and sensitivity to cold temperatures limit when I can do that. I can (usually) always walk around Target. So, if you see me in there and I don't have a shopping cart then it's probably the Target Meditation Walk.

How's that for random?