I am Enough

I try to watch a couple of TED talks a week. They are inspiring, they are witty, they are full of knowledge that someone else possesses and is willing to share with the world.

Today I found Brené Brown's talk on the power of vulnerability. It struck a chord. I was sitting at my desk, working on some things, listening to her in the background when I had to stop, put in both of my noise cancelling ear-buds and drown out the world with her words for a moment. I had to fight back tears.

Something I have realized over the past few months is that I am a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship. Immediately after my separation, I became involved with someone who told me at every turn that I was not enough. If I expressed emotion, I was crazy. If I was the one to initiate plans, I was clingy. If I expressed a desire to spend time together, I was needy. When I would do any of these things, I would jokingly say that he put me in time out. I was only half joking. I would be cut off for a few days with no contact. If we had previous plans, they were canceled. I was not allowed to contact him. If I tried, I would receive no reply. He would contact me when he was ready to deal with me or needed a sitter for his daughter again. Over the course of the relationship, I lost around 20 pounds. It was never acknowledged. My efforts were never applauded. In fact, the opposite happened. I was called fat. I was told that I was ridiculous for thinking anyone would see me as sexy, that I should try to be the funny chubby girl and embrace that. Never was I told that I was pretty, or beautiful, or worthy of time, attention and love. I began to believe I was not.

The result of this is that I closed myself off. I said I would never make myself vulnerable again. The wall was built and I was going to hide behind it for as long as possible. This started months before I found the courage to end the relationship. Yes, it took courage despite how toxic I knew it was. I had become someone I hated. I was a victim. I was weak. I had no self-confidence or self-worth. I gave someone the power to take those things from me. Slowly I've tried removing bricks from the wall. I've tried new things, experienced new things, met new people, made new friends but I've done them all with the hesitation of a puppy that's been kicked one too many times.

(I had to pause here. This is the hardest blog I've ever written. Vulnerable while writing about vulnerability. Imagine that. Kudos to my coworkers who somehow sensed my need for comic relief from the confines of their cubicles.)

I don't know what else I can say other than I'm going to take the advice here. I'm going to embrace my vulnerability and see what happens.

"They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.They thought this was fundamental."

Please watch the talk. I think it is relevant to us all. She starts with her research on human connection and how it's not possible without vulnerability. 

"Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

I am without pen and paper

I have mentioned before that I keep a book of quotes that I find along the way that I like.
I found one and have no where to write it so I'm recording it here.

"In that kiss, I saw a vision of my future: full of amazing people, adventures and creativity." - Lindsay Benner

I found it in this article if you care to read it in context:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/23/fashion/weddings/the-sparks-flew-before-they-even-met.html?pagewanted=1&_r=0&ref=weddings

I am scared/nervous/freaked out...

...but in a good way.

I think.

I feel like I'm standing at the beginning of something with the potential to be amazing. In fact, I've already seen glimpses that were marvelous.

My cynical side says enjoy it while it lasts. The devil on my shoulder says "you know you always screw these things up."

About a month ago, I was at a gathering where someone was doing tarot card readings. I took my turn. I had never had a reading before and I'm not entirely certain how I feel about the validity. I also saw no harm in the experience. I was told there was something unexpected coming my way and that it would be a very positive experience for me. I wish if this were it, I had some way of knowing. I struggle with the unknown. I can't control the unknown.

So, I find myself standing here, at this starting line, with cautious optimism. My efforts to evade my inner cynic are improving. Hoping for happiness is starting to overcome fear of failure or rejection.

I have a rather persistent smile on my face.

I think I'll try to enjoy that to the fullest for as long as I am allowed.

(To the select few of you that have an inkling as to what I am talking about, comment with discretion if you choose to do so.)

I am a Feminist

If you've met me, this isn't a revelation. I do feel the need to explain a little because there seems to be some confusion over what this entails.

I want to be equal in my workplace. Not because I am a woman, but because I am a human. My pay and duties should not rely on my gender in any way. I don't want my coworkers to feel the need to treat me differently than my male counterparts. I work in a "shop" atmosphere. No need to adjust your language or your topics just because I'm here. Carry on as you normally would. I'll be ok. Really. I only want to be able to do my job and not have my abilities questioned because I am a female in a male dominated field.

Personally, I'm not as militant as I am when it comes to my job. I am uncomfortable with the holding open of doors when it is specifically for me. Please don't let it slam in my face but don't go out of your way either. I can't say that I've had my chair pulled out (except in the dining room on a cruise ship) or a car door opened for me (I'm usually driving) so I don't really have opinions on those actions. The motives behind the actions are more important to me. If you are doing these things for me because you genuinely care, I'll let you get away with it sometimes. If you are doing them to be polite, I won't frown upon it either. The world needs more politeness. However, If you are doing them because you feel obligated, let me lift that obligation now.

I've read articles that guys don't know how to date or approach a feminist. Will we or won't we be offended by your approach? I can't speak for anyone else. I am comfortable with somewhat more traditional rolls in dating. That's so much different than work or casual relationships. There will be a degree of mutual respect in that situation that makes chivalrous actions not seem demeaning. I think I would like to be contacted first, to have a date planned for me, to be picked up at my door. (I am a little out of practice, that's why I quantify that with "I think.")

I've mentioned before that I wear many hats. When I have on my political activist hat or my IT guy hat, I am absolutely a feminist. I've been a victim of being deemed unable to make my own healthcare decisions and had people assume that I cannot do my job simply because I am female. I will fight against that as long as it remains an issue for any woman. But, when I step out of those rolls and get to let my hair down and be myself, maybe I'm not the feminazi people think I am.

Or maybe I'm a feminist that likes when a guy gives me flowers. That's ok, too.