I am my own worst enemy

A friend just commented on what she sees as increased confidence in me.

I wish I could agree with her. My life is very different than it was when I first met her. I've taken steps that people have called courageous and bold. Those same steps have been called those of a quitter and a coward by others.

Here's the thing, in spite of all the changes I've made, in spite of whatever degree of confidence and courage they may have taken, I view myself as neither of these things.

I am my own worst enemy.

I met someone who others suggested I should get to know better. I agreed. However, I talked myself out of it because I know I'm not a good fit for them. I'm over 30, I'm divorced, I have a teenage son. They are younger. The age difference is not that extreme (I am no cougar!) but being at the beginning of a journey as opposed to the end makes it seem like decades.

I recently entered an art show and placed 3rd overall. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I talked myself out of entering so many times that I was scrambling the week of submissions to get everything framed. I reasoned that if I can do this, anyone can. I said that my photographs are not art league quality. I scoffed at the minimal entry fees and costs of prints and frames.

I can come up with a myriad of other examples... job opportunities, community leadership/involvement, friends, potential dates, social events, artistic talents... I have a book of reason why I am not a good fit. Why do I do that? Just because I haven't found exactly what I am looking for at this stage in life doesn't mean that nothing will ever be a good fit. Logically I know this.

“Whatever a monk keeps pursuing with his thinking and pondering, that becomes the inclination of his awareness.” ~ Majjhima Nikaya 19

Until I change my school of thought and embrace the confidence and courage that others seem to be seeing in me, I will never progress any further than I have at this stage of life.

I am a work in progress. Bear with me during construction. Things could get messy.

I am humbled

I had a conversation with a lady last night. I do not know her story. I can only assume that it has neither been as comfortable nor as easy as mine.

We talked about her baby, who is 2, and mine, who is 14. We both spoke with pride at their age and accomplishments. She asked where my son was and I explained that it is his week with his father. A look came over her face that I can best describe as pity and compassion as she said "You are all alone this week? All by yourself?" I replied "yes" before something in the other room caught our attention and the conversation ended.

It was a brief exchange and probably not even a memory for her.

For me it was a reminder that for all the "stuff" I may have, the comforts that are mine, there are things that I am missing.

Yes, I have friends, family and a full calendar but there are honestly days that I can not speak to another human outside of interactions at work. It is my new reality and I am adjusting.

As I was leaving this time of fellowship, the gentleman I sat beside all evening asked me if I had a dollar to spare. If you know me, you know that I NEVER have cash. It is a habit I've developed despite the reminder on the sign of the convenience store I pass several times a day proclaiming "Real men tote cash. ATM inside." As I expressed my regrets, he told me he hoped I had blessed week and that he would like a chance to talk some day because I have a friendly face.

Such minor interactions to most but for someone who had no one to go home to, they meant the world. I'm really enjoying my time with this new-found group of believers.