I am my own worst enemy

A friend just commented on what she sees as increased confidence in me.

I wish I could agree with her. My life is very different than it was when I first met her. I've taken steps that people have called courageous and bold. Those same steps have been called those of a quitter and a coward by others.

Here's the thing, in spite of all the changes I've made, in spite of whatever degree of confidence and courage they may have taken, I view myself as neither of these things.

I am my own worst enemy.

I met someone who others suggested I should get to know better. I agreed. However, I talked myself out of it because I know I'm not a good fit for them. I'm over 30, I'm divorced, I have a teenage son. They are younger. The age difference is not that extreme (I am no cougar!) but being at the beginning of a journey as opposed to the end makes it seem like decades.

I recently entered an art show and placed 3rd overall. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I talked myself out of entering so many times that I was scrambling the week of submissions to get everything framed. I reasoned that if I can do this, anyone can. I said that my photographs are not art league quality. I scoffed at the minimal entry fees and costs of prints and frames.

I can come up with a myriad of other examples... job opportunities, community leadership/involvement, friends, potential dates, social events, artistic talents... I have a book of reason why I am not a good fit. Why do I do that? Just because I haven't found exactly what I am looking for at this stage in life doesn't mean that nothing will ever be a good fit. Logically I know this.

“Whatever a monk keeps pursuing with his thinking and pondering, that becomes the inclination of his awareness.” ~ Majjhima Nikaya 19

Until I change my school of thought and embrace the confidence and courage that others seem to be seeing in me, I will never progress any further than I have at this stage of life.

I am a work in progress. Bear with me during construction. Things could get messy.